Opening salvo

Is Adrian Chiles the least Brazilian man in the world? There's something about his vowels that deflects sunlight. Or maybe he'd had a tip off, and already knew what the opening ceremony was going to be like.



It was rubbish, obviously, but worse than that it was bland rubbish. And it didn't have to be that way. I know these things are assembled from the residue after the sports nomenklatura and their corporate slush funders have eliminated anything focused on our needs rather than theirs, but the Olympic opening ceremony in 2012 was signed off on by David Cameron, and that was memorable enough. Where were the smoking chimneys? Why couldn't Pele have jumped out of a helicopter?

Yes, that was the Olympics, where the host nation has more of a free hand, but even the World Cup has done better in the past. In South Africa we had an animatronic dung beetle rolling a giant football around the pitch. Now that's how to do a metaphor. Admittedly the metaphor is football is shit, but at least it's something to think about while you're waiting for the main event.

The first section tonight was like the bit at St Paul's carnival where the local kids promenade in their homemade flower costumes and everyone applauds politely. Why exactly are they doing the Lion King? Who knows, just clap and have a Red Stripe.

Here, we have trees on stilts, presumably to represent the rainforest. Danny Boyle would have had dancing loggers with axes hacking rhythmically at their knees, which is just one reason why they didn't hire him. After a long long while a kid dressed as a ref comes on and sends them all off. Unfortunately, more dancers replace them. Some of the dancers have weird football shaped buckyballs on their heads, while around them a hundred boys and the occasional token girl pretend to play keepy uppy with a ball which is actually on the end of a stick. What, they couldn't find any kids who could do it for real in the whole of Brazil?

They give way to the shittest pop star I've ever seen, and I've seen a few. Her name is apparently Claudia Leitte. No, me neither. This is Brazil, for fuck's sake. It's enough to make you wish Pitbull would come on. Oh. Careful what you wish for, everyone.

The walking Clinique advert that joins them is J-Lo. I've seen more spontaneous moves from dancers at a TED talk, as the assembled Californians applaud their builders. At last, they stop and leave. On the way off J-Lo gives Claudia a hug, presumably in commiseration.

"Nothing wrong with that", says Chiles. He's off to a flyer, isn't he? Twitter didn't entirely agree with him.

If opening ceremonies are judged on how they reflect the tournament as a whole that was perfect, said Jonathan Wilson (@jonawils). Incoherent, seemingly cobbled together at last minute, needlessly expensive & with the belief if you tick enough Brazil cliches it'll be OK.

Pitbull? Shitbull more like, said @HarryFlowersOBE, rather more succinctly. I've had acid trips that were more coherent than this, said @jonecc. Yes that's me. If I can't quote me, who can? And I do like to be quoted.

Wilson was right in his analysis, but personally I could have stood a few more Brazilian cliches, if those cliches had included a bit of actual rhythm. The sound was muddy, the beat didn't move you and the dancers looked like they could hardly hear it. Perhaps they should have thrown in some disco classics. Slave to the rhythm might not have been considered acceptable, but I feel love might have helped. Or they could have gone the Santana route. Again, not Black magic woman perhaps, but Samba pa ti would have picked a few heels up around the world.

But no, just lifeless, sexless, joyless rubbish. I bet they were having more fun on the demos outside.