Debalkanise!

Again. We've been seen off again. And there seems to be a consensus that it's the galacticos what dun it. Pirlo for Italy and Suarez for Uruguay, that's why we're going home. Why don't we have any of our own?

Really, this is why people have been whining on about Rooney. He's actually done perfectly well in the two years since Euro 2012, scoring crucial goals in qualifying then making or scoring both goals here. Only an idiot would drop him. But he's supposed to be more than just someone you wouldn't drop, he's supposed to be a superstar, like Kevin Keegan or Jesus Christ. You remember, Christ saves, but Keegan scores on the rebound. Rooney's supposed to provide the assist.


We've got some players who are close. We've got Gerrard, but he's a bit past it (although it's worth remembering that Pirlo is a year older), and he's had an end of season that nightmares are made of. Joe Hart's pretty good, and can't be blamed for any of the goals. The rest are a mixture of perfectly acceptable everyday international players and some fey youths with potential.

Except that there is a player who would have set the tournament alight. He plays for Real Madrid, and his name is Gareth Bale. He's Welsh, though, and Welsh isn't English. But it is British. And that's our problem. By playing as Balkanised provinces, each province is giving away its best chance.

Before Bale, there was Ryan Giggs. Back in the day there was George Best. From Scotland, we could have had - well, my point still stands.

There's a certain kind of pointy-headed nationalist who likes things the way they are, of course. The kind that sees the Asda wearable England flag, notices it looked a bit like a KKK hood, but doesn't mind. Or for that matter the kind that would deliberately turn a Welsh pub telly over to the rugby when there's a perfectly good Premiership game on. I'm still annoyed about that. We only stole their coal and their language, there's no need to take things to extremes.

But yes, I'm sure in Bridport, Motherwell and Pembrokeshire there's going to be pockets of resistance to my plan. Still, I'm sure they'll get over it the first time Bale scores for Britain against Germany or Argentina. Because that's how tradition works. It's just another name for the things you're used to, and as soon as something different happens it immediately starts generating traditions of its own.

And it isn't as if our loyalties are set in stone even now. We're quite used to supporting our county in the cricket, our statelet in the rugby, our country in the running, and our continent in the Ryder Cup. If Blatter gets his way we'll be supporting Earth against Mars to go through to the playoffs against the mining asteroids. There's already been enough people on the space station to pick a scratch team for the Conference. There's six points up for grabs right away now Rovers are in it.

So let's stop all this talk of better youth facilities and other schemes to squeeze a gallon of juice out of a pint pot of sporting lemons, and face facts. We have a simple choice. We can carry on as England, usually qualifying for tournaments but never doing anything when we get there, or we can compete as Britain, and expect to get semifinals about twice a decade. We might even win something. Imagine that.