Analysis: needs a little salt

In which the author goes on a series of digressions

So we're all looking ahead at games coming up, and we're talking about lines of four and getting it down the channels, especially if we learnt all we know about football from men in kipper ties. What we really want to know, though, is which are the games with a bit extra on them?

By which I mean, where's the back story? Who's got a grudge match against those cheating bastards from Italia 90? Which quarter finalists' grandparents fought grinding wars of attrition with the weapons Khruschev and Eisenhower didn't need any more? Where are the bars that stand fifty yards and two tense checkpoints from the opposition's bars? Let's have a look.


And it's a bit disappointing, to be honest. Group A, for instance, has nothing to recommend it from this angle. I'm aware of no reason why Brazil, Croatia, Mexico and Cameroon shouldn't be able to play in an atmosphere of open-hearted competitive conviviality. Who wants that? No-one who's trying to write about it, that's for sure.

Group B is a bit better, with Australia, Spain, Holland and Chile. Spain and Holland's grinding war of attrition, the Eighty Years War, ended in Dutch independence over four centuries ago, but after eight decades of pike-on-halberd action it might have left some mark in the collective memory. Mind you the last three of them were just a second front in the Thirty Years War, which seems a bit like creative accountancy to me. Anyway, I'm sure van Gaal will be inspiring them with tales of the Treaty of Munster and the Union of Utrecht. Not that de Jong needs any encouragement to go kicking Spaniards. Maybe he's hoping if they fight hard enough they can occupy Belgium this time as well. Now that would be a team.

Totally with you on the idea that politics isn't just there for the sake of football, by the way. A football is just a thing you kick round a field. Politics is about important things like duck ponds and how much a pasty costs.

Spain and Chile have a history as well. Chile won its war of independence from Spain in 1818, with an army led by the gloriously named Bernardo O'Higgins. His father was called Ambrosio O'Higgins, presumably in recognition of the family's services to creamed rice, but as Bernardo was illegitimate he had to be called Bernardo Riquelme until later in life, for fear the noble name of O'Higgins might be tarnished in some way. There aren't enough really stupid names in history, so we're glad he got there in the end

Group C has nothing again, Japan, Greece, Colombia and Cote d'Ivoire having mysteriously failed to invade each other in the past, then there's us in group D (England, Italy, Costa Rica and Uruguay). And when you consider the vast swathes of the globe we've had interesting times in, we get off surprisingly lightly in the matter of countries who'd love to give us a good seeing to.

We do play Italy, our conquerors in AD43, but personally I feel I'm over that now. Costa Rica mean little to us, and Uruguay are virtually interchangeable in the public mind with Suarez. If you offered us a 1-0 defeat and Suarez to break a leg I bet there's a few who'd take it.

There's always going to be more former Spanish colonies at the World Cup than English ones, as Catholic countries do better at football for some reason, so more of them qualify. We taught ours to play rugby and cricket instead, and hasn't that worked out well?

Group E gives us our only border, between France and Switzerland. Not exactly Checkpoint Charlie, but there may be some taunting across Lake Geneva, as French insults mingle with - well, insults in French. Ecuador and Honduras sound like neighbours, but are actually on different continents.

Group F raises an intriguing possibility. Three out of Argentina, Bosnia, Iran and Nigeria have large Muslim populations, which means that at least one of them will be playing a round of 16 game on June 30 or July 1 - after the beginning of Ramadan. Will special dispensation be made, or will they be expected to play without food or water? Frankly, observation of the Somali boys living around me suggests that making them choose between football and religion may not be a brilliant clerical plan.

Group G offers Germany v USA, but I'm sure there'll be enough saloon room bores making tedious jokes about D-Day without us joining in. More potently for the US players, they play Ghana, who knocked them out in 2010. Ghana also play Germany, with a Boateng brother on each side.

Group H is the only group where all four teams could reach each other without crossing a major body of water. It also gives us the best acronym - Belgium-Algeria-Russia-South Korea spelling out BARS, the places many of us will find ourselves when they're playing. Group B gets in on this as well, Chile-Australia-Spain-Holland spelling out the CASH you'll need, especially if you want to buy some (Chile-Australia-Netherlands-Spain) CANS. Where do you put the empties? In Group F of course.

So I've found stuff to say, just about, but compared with previous tournaments it's all a bit of a stretch. Do you remember Iran v USA in 1998?  How about Serbia v Slovenia at Euro 2000? Serbia were still calling themselves Yugoslavia back then. Or Poland v Russia in 2012, when the Russian fans flew flags saying "This is Russia" in Warsaw? Now that's stuff you want to write about.

Perhaps we'll get some tastier clashes in the latter stages. If Australia did the impossible and progressed from their group, they might then play Croatia again. Do you remember their group game in 2006? I had more fun writing about that than about any other game ever. Not available online, I'm afraid. Shame.

Russia v the US would bring back some memories as well. There'd be lots of stuff about the Cold War, but perhaps also a few clips from their Olympic basketball match of 1972.

And after that anything might happen. England might even have a quarter final on my birthday. It might be against Brazil. Here's hoping.

Next: professional analysts hate this man. He worked out a system for World Cup predictions. You won't believe what happened next!